Why do I want my lover to tie me up, blindfold me, gag me, and use toys on me? Is there something wrong with me?
I discovered my interest in bondage at an early age. It excited me to be tied up but I didn’t know why and because the excitement involved getting an erection, I couldn’t talk about it.
I’m a Catholic from the Midwest. We didn’t discuss sex when I was growing up in the Midwest not to mention BDSM. I felt completely alone and I worried that I was broken somehow, a bad seed for wanting what I wanted.
After a while I saw I was not alone but most of the people who were like me were pretty extreme and most of the examples of bondage I found were pretty extreme. People who wore leather and chains when I was growing up were more likely to be gay bikers. I was envious of their willingness to come out in the open and just be who they were but I couldn’t do that so I felt even more alone and concerned that I was sick. Maybe I needed to seek help?
I am reasonably well educated so I used the library back when there was no internet to research. Throughout high school and college I was looking for answers.
The first question I was concerned about personally from a very young age was something like: am I crazy because I like this? CRAZY – as in mentally insane? Am I dangerous? What is WRONG with me?
Early answers were not encouraging. In fact, until 2010, BDSM was considered a mental illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Because of this classification people could lose custody of children in divorce. There was real discrimination and people lost jobs.
Dr. Ray Blanchard outlined the proposal which ultimately resulted in an update to DSM-5 with an important distinction for BDSM. This behavior is now considered a paraphilia. I think of paraphilia is a general term for kinks. The distinction is between paraphilia and paraphilic disorder. This is something I knew intuitively about my own behavior. A paraphilic disorder is one that is causing impairment to the individual or harm to others. As long as it’s not hurting me and I am not hurting anyone the the behavior is not pathological. For further reading check out this Hastings Center article.
Now it’s 2020. Ten years later. Fifty shades of Grey (which I do not recommend) has apparently opened many eyes. Now more and more people in surveys admit to an interest and experimentation with light bondage and other fantasy. I can be a submissive male and it’s OK. I’m not running around telling everyone and I wouldn’t put it on my resume so it’s still a little strange for me. I know I’m not sick but I’m still hiding this part of myself. That is OK for now because its a very intimate part of myself that I only share with my Beloved Monster, Vinyl.
I wonder how long before more people openly acknowledge they are sexually submissive or dominant. People with very specific fetishes will be among the last holdouts. Who wants to admit they are super into…let your imagination run wild here.